"Oh, I'm sure he's fine" and other thoughtless comments

Aiden needs as many opportunities, as possible, to socialize with other kids. At first he struggled, but at this point he is loving it! To be clear, I am extremely proud of him. But to say I’m exhausted would be a massive understatement at this point. I have been pushing myself to help provide him with a ton of positive social experiences, which in order to do, I have to be there and be involved in. I’m really the only person who can usually calm Aiden down when he’s had enough and keep situations from escalating when he’s reached his limit. For me, watching Aiden interact with other kids isn’t a fun leisurely activity. I am constantly scanning the environment and actively gauging how he will react in various situations. I watch other moms stare as I keep checking the room where the kids are playing. I’m that mom that often walks directly to the playground equipment at the park.

I know they think I’m being paranoid. I also know Aiden may bolt at any given moment. I know my child has no concept or understanding of danger, no rational fear of cars driving on the road, no fears of drowning. I know my child at 5 can run faster than many 8 year olds when he wants to. I know if anyone tries to help me catch him he will hit or kick or twist his arm and pull away so quickly and in such a way that he will be loose again in a matter of seconds. Beyond my concerns of him bolting, I am also checking to see if Aiden is being teased. I am watching him closely to see if he is on the verge of flipping out. I am making sure I’m there to intervene if he starts to panic, that I am available to block the other kids from him if he starts swinging.

I know there are many people who think I am shadowing him too closely, that I should give him more space. They of course weren’t there when he made it halfway across the parking lot and I dove over top of him just before he ran in front of a car driving way too fast. They weren’t there when Aiden slammed another child to the ground for calling him stupid and they most certainly didn’t see how many times Aiden has repeatedly tried to jump or run into various bodies of water. They probably don’t know about how Aiden, even when closely supervised, tries his best to remove his floaties and get as far away as possible… even though he can’t swim. They probably don’t know that the leading cause of death for autistic children is them wandering off and drowning.

I doubt they know that I am continuously reassessing where he is at with his progress, and determining where and when I can back off a little. I doubt they are aware that all of my parenting techniques and approaches are purposeful, that I have spent endless hours researching specific techniques, talking to therapists and other autism moms. Each different situation has been carefully assessed and considered. Before we arrive, I have already taken into account; what mood he is in, if he’s been to the place before, whether or not he slept the day before, etc. When we arrive, I then reassess scanning the environment. I watch the other children closely, quickly and oftentimes accurately identifying which children if any will bully, which kids will name call. I purposely prompt him to talk to certain kids, the ones I can tell will be friendlier.

Usually, if I attempt to tell people what I do with Aiden, they seem to think I should relax or they say something along the lines of, “Oh I’m sure he will be fine”, or “But he is so smart!” Their well-meaning statements failing to acknowledge my effort, more importantly failing to acknowledge how hard Aiden struggles every day, as if to dismiss all our struggles in a single statement. They are completely oblivious to the level of progress he has made AS A DIRECT RESULT of all the work that I do with him. They are unaware that it’s almost unheard of for a child with his level of sensory issues to be verbal at all. Simply put, they really just don’t have a clue.

I feel it’s important to point out that social interaction is just one of many areas we work on regularly, that this article only details ONE aspect of parenting and that every spectrum child’s experiences, challenges, and strengths vary. I would love to hear the stories of others if they are willing to share. Have a blessed day and please remember to think before you speak.